What are the Cardinals: Whales or Weasels?
The Seahawks play the Cardinals in Week 2, so what should fans expect from Arizona this year?
The Arizona Cardinals are the Pauly Shore of the NFL with a dream to be the Brendan Fraser of the NFL. Instead of showing up never, they want to show up sometimes, but it doesn’t look like the Cardinals are making their comeback any time soon.
Encino Man was the first movie for either of those actors, and though Sean Astin was the protagonist, and Fraser was the “leading man”, Shore was the breakout star and had four movies built around him over the next four years. (Hollywood used this same formula with The Hangover’s three leads 17 years later, Helms, Cooper, and Galifianakis.)
All of which were critically panned and though Shore will always be "in Hollywood”, the end of his run as a movie star was 30 years ago.
Shore was off to the best start and since 1996 has the least to show for it. Similarly, the Cardinals are the oldest active pro football franchise in the world, with origins tracing back to 1898, and they have the least to show for it. The Chicago Cardinals won the NFL Championship in 1925 and 1947, but the franchise has only made the playoffs nine times in the Super Bowl era.
Pete Carroll made the playoffs 10 times with the Seahawks.
Fraser was able to balance out his debut as a Slurpee-drinking caveman with the release of School Ties a few months later, which Roger Ebert called “another movie about an outsider in high school”, perhaps the only time someone compared a Pauly Shore movie to a drama about antisemitism.
Whereas Fraser’s career has had ups (Gods and Monsters) and downs (Dudley Do-Right), Shore’s career—at least in movies—is always down. Fraser is, if nothing else, a Hollywood survivor. Always getting up again after Monkeybone, Furry Vengeance, and George of the Jungle, until he won Best Actor for The Whale.
It’s the type of resilience that every hapless NFL franchises wishes they had—the Browns, the Lions, the Jets, and of course the Cardinals—but I’m not sure that any of them dudley-do.
108 seasons after their first official run in the NFL, the Cardinals fancy themselves to become a whale. From the looks of it, they’re still a:
Who are the 2026 Cardinals?
On Saturday, I wrote about the Rams. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. There are appropriate times to write about the 49ers. Regardless of their Oscar chances, or the fact that Seattle has beaten them nine times in a row, Arizona is on the schedule twice again next season, including in Week 2, so fans should forget they exist like we do some actors.
What’s new with the Cardinals?
Brissett it and Forget it
Speaking of Fraser, my wife and I have been to Universal Studios over 30 times, and we always head straight to The Mummy ride. It’s not the greatest, but if you’ve ever been there then you know it’s the closest thing to a “thrill ride” at the park. The Mummy is two seconds of excitement followed by two minutes of drawing it out under the facade of being exhilirating.
Sort of like every stop on Jacoby Brissett’s resume.
Though we don’t like to judge quarterbacks by win-loss record, his 20-45 career mark is a fair indicator of his value to teams and the value of teams willing to start him. Look at his time on the Colts:
2017: Brissett goes 4-11 as starter
2018: The Colts go 10-6 and Andrew Luck throws 39 touchdowns
2019: Brissett goes 7-8 as starter with 18 touchdowns
2020: Philip Rivers goes 11-5 as the starter
Teams get better the year after Brissett, starting with Rivers replacing him in Indianapolis; the Dolphins got better after he left; the Browns went from 4-7 with Brissett to 11-5 the next season; the Moons went from 4-13 (Brissett was only a backup) to 12-5 the next season; the Patriots went from 1-4 with Brissett and 4-13 overall to reaching the Super Bowl the next season.
We might have to predict that the Cardinals would shock the world next season, if not for Brissett returning as the starter. We think.
Monday is considered a big day for Brissett’s standoff because that’s when mandatory minicamp starts. He’s skipped all team activities this year looking for a new contract, but they were all voluntary. If Brissett isn’t back this week—and there’s no indication that he will be—we have to take Gardner Minshew and rookie Carson Beck more seriously as becoming Arizona’s starting quarterback for Week 1…and of course Week 2 against Seattle.
Minshew’s career could play Brissett’s career in a movie. They’re the same backup archetype, but Minshew is younger and also probably worse than Brissett at managing a simple passing offense.
Beck’s Call?
I expect Brissett to return, but the Cardinals just might not care. What’s their goal with next season? If ownership is being realistic about their chances of winning the Super Bowl (0%) or the NFC West (1%), then they might want Brissett to hold out. Nobody gives them a better chance of getting the number one pick in next year’s draft than Beck.
Beck was labeled as a “reach”, even as late as the third-round. SB Nation called it an “illogical, wasted pick”. Let Beck prove himself one way or another, but if the Seahawks face him in Week 2, that’s the same vibes as Max Brosmer.
Don’t touch the 29th-ranked Defense
The Cardinals fired Jonathan Gannon, but retained defensive coordinator Nick Rallis and basically kept everything in tact from a bottom-five defense. Nothing says “We want to draft a quarterback next year” more than that.
The Cardinals defense allowed 28.7 points per game (29th) and a third down conversion rate of 43.1% (27th). The only true star on the defense is Budda Baker (a 30-year-old safety is not who you want your best player to be) because I have a hard time buying DE Josh Sweat as a legit number one.
Both Sweat and Baker could be traded before the deadline, as Arizona seeks more ammunition for 2027.
Despite these obvious flaws on defense, the Cardinals used their first three picks on offense, including a running back at 3 and Beck at 65. And maybe Jeremiyah Love will prove to be a fantastic choice, I’m just saying that the Cardinals didn’t add a single notable defensive player to a bottom-five defense.
To improve the defense from last year, Rallis will need to go to Extraordinary Measures.
What are your Cardinals win-loss expectations?
The Cardinals are ‘In the Army Now’
Before anyone reminds me that you can’t overlook anybody in the NFL, not even the Cardinals, yes, Arizona does have WEAPONS. That is perhaps their only advantage, but even then I would argue that weapons are not that unique. Not even the ones that Brissett will have if and when he returns.
Trey McBride and Love could be All-Pro players next season. McBride because he might be the best tight end in the NFL (126 catches last year) and Love because he’s a running back. In either case, the Cardinals shouldn’t worry about those two positions.
They also shouldn’t need to worry about having receivers, as Michael Wilson is already good and Marvin Harrison Jr. could be a lot better next season. The offensive line is okay, but maybe not top-10.
If new head coach Mike LaFleur is a good play caller, the offense could be decent. But is that enough for the Cardinals to win games? Because I challenge you to tell me a team in the NFC that does not have weapons.
Aside from maybe Washington and New York, every single team has at least two, usually three players who I think most fans would say are great players. Maybe because we live in such a fantasy-driven society now. The Seahawks were never going to get any breaks on the schedule in terms of receivers and tight ends, and sometimes the running backs they face.
Who has the best weapons in the NFC?
As good as McBride is, I don’t see how this is any different than Brock Bowers playing for the team that had the number one pick this year.
Could the Cardinals beat the Seahawks?
Of course. Seattle blew a 20-6 fourth quarter lead to Arizona last season, barely surviving after Jason Myers redeemed himself with a 52-yard field goal. This is the NFL, so upsets are always on the table.
However, I can only tell you where the Cardinals stand and that shouldn’t be too difficult because aside from firing the head coach, they aren’t much different. They didn’t try to be much different. What would compel a team to draft a running back, leave a bad defense alone, and stage a public stand-off with Jacoby Brissett, other than a desire to pick high again next year?
Everybody on the field for the Cardinals will try to win. Owner Michael Bidwill could be hoping he put the right people in place to assure that doesn’t happen. Which is what we’ve come to expect of the Cardinals.
It’s sort of like how Pauly Shore has played “Pauly Shore” 12 times in his career. No matter how badly he wants to pretend to be someone else, eventually we can’t come to see him as anyone other than who he’s always been.
I just can’t see the Cards with a record better than 3-14. I suppose they will have a decent offense…when they’re not playing Seattle.
That defense shouldn’t scare any team.
See the Arizona Cardinals at the Top of the Line ... for the #1 Pick. The question will be whether they are willing to trade it for a great haul of other picks so that they can actually make some progress towards team building.